all aboard the Overbearing Sadgirl Express

[upperhandsen]

[sent at various points late Saturday/early Sunday after Kodi bails early from the Velvet Room, but before the party-goers wake up from their party-dream-sleep-state.]

To: Suz 💃

[1] Hey
[x] How was the r
[x] Did you h

[...]

[x] Sorry I

[...]

[2] You up?

[...]

[3] I know I bailed but can we talk
[4] Like when you're back/up
[x] I can wai
[5] I'll be around

[...]

[x] I didnt mean to
[x] I wasn

[...]

[6] I hope your night got better

[...]

[7] 💕
[x] Can I
[x] You looked 🔥🔥🔥

[...]

[8] I'll wait up in case you're [...] back early

[...]

[x] I'm sor

Time: 9:26 am.
Texts: Eight sent and nine more attempted.
Pyjamas: Pens shirt, booty shorts, knee socks, flamingo slippers, and a silk scarf tied over twisted hair.
Phone battery: 3%.
Accessories: Social studies textbook, notebook, pen, and highlighter.
Location: Sectional outside the senior Swords girls' dorm.
Pose: Spread out, phone in hand on top of textbook, face on opposite page. Small but manageable level of drool. Light snoring.

Comments

[mentalmap]

Suzy wakes at 8:30am, feeling like she's been hit by several trucks. She scrabbles for her phone under her pillow by reflex, then stares at the notifications, then stares at the texts themselves, for at least ten minutes.

She knows that if Kodi said she was going to wait up, she definitely waited up, and there's a significant chance that she is still outside in the common room. It fills her with dread. Suzy was so stupid yesterday -- she remembers all too well -- but she wasn't wrong. Was she? So why do these messages make her feel so hopeful? Well. Hopeful and embarrassed.

It takes her another fifteen minutes to get out of bed, then twenty more minutes to look "presentable" and also not like she tried to look presentable. Even when she's "ready," it still takes her time to center herself, then actually sneak out of the room. Kodi is indeed still outside, stretched along the couch and sleeping (are those tiny snores???) and very sweet. Suzy wishes she could just squeeze in between her limbs and go back to sleep too. Maybe they could just pretend nothing happened last night at all.

Instead she kneels in front of the couch, then reaches out and pokes Kodi on the nose.

[upperhandsen]

Kodi's hand shoots up before her eyes open and she insists that "I didn't eat the penguin–" (pause) "–what the fuck–" (a beat, eyes focus, on Suzy) "– oh." Which is, in every way, not how she meant to confront Suzy this morning.

She sits up and wipes the moisture from her corner of her mouth in the most casual 'I'm just scratching my nose, I swear' way she can manage. Suzy's here in the space that she LIVES in, Kodi — she didn't try to creep past her on the way to breakfast and a Kodi-free existence. This is good news. Right? Well. Hopefully.

"Um," she rubs her eyes, reaches up to make sure her scarf's still in place, and prays the ink from her textbook didn't transfer onto her face. Her brain hasn't quite processed that she isn't dreaming about a penguin buffet anymore, with 'reality' and 'not' slowly falling into their rightful categories. "I sent you– Did you see– Um. Hi."

[mentalmap]

Suzy breaks into a giant grin, which she promptly struggles to iron out as Kodi adjusts: hiding it behind her hand, biting it back as she stands to take her place on the couch.

By the time Su sits, she just looks tired, a little fuzzy. Not particularly angry anymore, but maybe there's a suggestion of past tears in the puffiness below her eyes.

"I saw," she verifies softly, drawing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them. "You want to talk."

[upperhandsen]

"I– Yeah," Kodi had left so she could gather her thoughts before saying anything but instead she fell asleep. Nice. At least most of the partiers are still sleeping off their dreamovers.

She counts her blessings as she carefully closes the book and sets it on her lap. "What do you want?" Her tone is thoughtful, not combative, but she still opts to traces the title on the cover with eyes and fingers instead of make eye contact; mostly because she's not feeling optimistic about her communication skills after last night.

[mentalmap]

Suzy rests her head on her knees. She openly gazes at Kodi, but furrows her brow at the question, eyes darting away. The fabric of the couch is fascinating.

"What do you mean?" she asks. It's innocent until her sleepy, shame-addled brain catches up with the context, and then she exhales a breathless oh. Right. From... this. From Kodi.

"Um," she continues. "I don't know. I've never... done this before."

Suzy giggles self-consciously at the absurdity of her life. Then she buries her eyes in the curve of her knee and swallows a wave of nausea.

"What can you offer?" she mumbles.

[upperhandsen]

From Kodi's "Depends," it's probably clear that she didn't realize that was a joke. After all, most of her interpersonal relationships are organized as a series of checks and balances — what she provides to the other person, vice versa, and how she benefits. But she doesn't want to suggest too much or the wrong thing entirely to the other girl; to be vulnerable and be told she's completely wrong. She's stumbled into that trap too much lately.

"I didn't mean to piss you off. I was... offering you time off. A way out." It's kind of like an apology. In a way.

[mentalmap]

"A way out of what?" Suzy wonders. She slides her face toward Kodi, temple against knee. "We're not..."

Together.

But it feels weird to say the word. Like if she does, it might never happen, and what if she wants it to?

"It wasn't okay," she says, glum. "For me to act the way I did. You shouldn't have to worry about my feelings." Unless you want to?

The wordless question peers out from a tiny apologetic smile. Suzy wets her lips with her tongue. "You didn't really do anything wrong."

[upperhandsen]

"I know," Kodi replies to the book before she heaves a sigh, and then, defiantly, heaves the book itself at the coffee table. It lands and knocks her stationary to clatter across the floor. "Look, fuck this, I need to know what's going on. Where we stand. 'Cause even if it wasn't my fault, I didn't—or don't—want you to hurt, if I can help it. But I don't know what you want."

She digs the heels of her hands into her forehead as she admits, "It wasn't that fun, either. For the record."

[mentalmap]

Suzy jumps a little at the sound of the book and the stationery and Kodi's voice, and then what Kodi's actually saying makes her think of Lee and the way she'd booked it out of the closet. Not fun. Her cheeks burn.

Then, in spite of herself, she giggles. Maybe because of herself (it's a nervous giggle). She sits up with purpose, like she's about to tell Kodi interesting gossip, but really it's just so the action keeps her in the moment. Otherwise she'll just linger where she is, pondering and making things worse than they are.

"Maybe... We can just not kiss other people." She shrugs, making a little face at herself, then offers Kodi a wary smile. Her fingers play idly with the hem of her flannel shorts. "What do you think?"

[upperhandsen]

Kodi's hands climb back up to the scarf, readjusting it (again) even though it was already fine, her face still obscured. "Alright, but... how much could we kiss each other?" She replies slowly, tugging it down a little, moving it back up. She thinks about how many chances there still are to fuck everything up; there's a lot of them.

[mentalmap]

"Um." It's the same tone Suzy uses in class sometimes, when she's about to cut in with a point someone else hasn't made. "....A lot?"

She's still smiling, even though Kodi isn't looking at her. She stares, then looks down at her hand. The back is a little sore from smacking into something during training, but there's no bruise.

"A lot," she repeats. "I know that because you still make me smile even when I don't want to."

[upperhandsen]

That makes a smile of her own flicker across Kodi's lips, and she finally draws her eyes up to Suzy. "A lot," she echoes, her hands falling to her knees.

And you know what? Fuck it. Now it's confirmed that they could all die. She'd tried to keep everyone at arm's length in case they might, but somehow the staff's confession had reassured her. If she was probably going to die, she could at least go down after making out with a hot girl on the reg.

"I'd rather give you reasons to smile than make you," she points out, one hand's fingers walking along the couch to Suzy, her skin already tingling. "And what about other shit? Like, if I want to take you to a movie after Outreach?"

[mentalmap]

Suzy squeaks a little at Kodi's approaching hand. The clouds in her expression fade to reveal a sunny, flustered look, still pink-cheeked from embarrassment. When things are like this, it's so easy. It's hard to believe that she could ever behave the way she had at the rink, wiping frustratedly at tears in the mirror of the uncanny valley bathroom.

"Sometimes it's fun if you make me," she points out, leaning forward. It's a move that's supposed to be suggestive, except that Kodi's next questions feel like really being asked out. In spite of herself -- and everything that's already passed between them -- she has to bite her lip to keep from giggling again, stupidly excited.

"I'd meet you in town," she promises, earnest. "Obviously."

[upperhandsen]

Encouraged—and nervous, and excited, and—Kodi leans forward too, flamingo slipper crowns pressing little stars into her shins. She'll always press a newly-presented boundary, test out just how far she can push it. "And if I kissed you now?"

[mentalmap]

Suzy reaches out with both arms, which unsteadies her a little. There is a hint of grabby hands.

"Please?"

[upperhandsen]

As Kodi launches herself forward, clasping palms to palms, two thoughts occur to her.

First: Each kiss at the party had made her feel more lonely than the last and she hadn't been sure why.

And second: She's really fucking glad she thought to brush her teeth before trekking up to the other house's common room.